Okay, I confess it, I’m writing about cats again. But only because I simply have to. Or rather, because I’m trying to kill two birds with one stone. A) We’re on holiday in the Isle of Mull (Scotland) and I needed to write an instruction letter to my daughter’s friend about how to feed our cats. And B) I require a blog post. I haven’t posted in a while, and people might think I’ve packed the writing lark in. So I’m doing a bit of recycling – because I’m all about conserving energy. And this will do.

Hello Georgie!

Thank you so much for agreeing to come in daily and take care of our crazy cats, Slim (aka Big Girl/Biggie) and Kirby (aka Little Girl/Little Cat). I thought it best to leave a few instructions, but do whatever fits in with your day.

You will already have the back-door key attached to a lanyard, so let yourself in. We’ve left you a sum of cash in the envelope for all your hard work, and the Easter Egg is for you too! Happy Easter! Help yourself to tea and coffee and anything else from the fridge or cupboard. But there isn’t much. Unless you really like soup and tinned tomatoes. There is a stack of sugar-free chocolate, though (I’m the only one who eats it) but do feel free to partake if your chocolate egg begins to makes you want to barf.

The cat flap has only been in place for a few weeks. Kirby has mastered getting in and out without difficulty (tuxedo cats are very smart). Slim, not so much. She has become a bit of a house-cat of late, and doesn’t like to go out very often, or for very long. Or very far. But we are hoping that desperation will force her to use the cat flap. We are leaving the shed door open if all else fails, with a little bed inside. This is a risk, as I’m hoping every cat in the area doesn’t decide to use it as a latrine. If Slim gets left out, she can get back in on your next visit. Or she will have overcome her fear of ‘the ‘ole’ – as she probably calls it. I imagine.

Food

Our cats don’t particularly like one another. Sad but true. Well, it’s Slim who despises Kirby, really. Even though she’s her mother. The maternal bond has evidently died a long time ago. I have a strong suspicion Slim has been trying to sell Kirby on eBay with a starting price of 99p – or ‘buy it now’ for £5.00 with free postage and packing. I don’t know how she intends to spend the money, she has no pockets – or concept of monetary value.

All cat food is in the white cupboard just to the left of the back door as you come in.

Anyway, Slim eats her food in front of the washing machine, and Kirby eats her food beneath the oven. And because the cats refuse to stand side-by side, I have provided you with two automated cat feeders. Each is placed beside each cat’s food bowls. Please stagger the opening of the feeders so that each cat can expect another two meals during the day (in addition to the meal you have placed in the ordinary food bowls). You can leave out cat biscuits (nibblets) at your discretion. I will leave the out automated cat feeder instruction leaflet, but you just set the number of hours in which you want each meal to open.

Just as an aside, Kirby tends to only eat the fish-flavoured sachets, while Slim will eat anything. Because she’s a pig. And Kirby loves the gravy best. In fact, don’t be surprised if she eats only gravy. That’s how she rolls. One sachet per cat-feeder compartment should be fine. If they’re not happy with that, they can go out and eat mice and birds. Who do they think they are? Princesses?

Please top up the water bowls daily too. I don’t think either of the cats drink from these; they prefer disgusting, putrid puddles outside or drinking from the toilet bowl. But I like to show willing – knowing they have access to clean water if they need it. Which they won’t.

The cat food cupboard also contains treats. They very much like ‘Dreamies’ and ‘Meaty Sticks’. Particularly ‘Meaty Sticks’. You can give the cats treats as you see fit. Ask them about their conduct and behaviour first, though, to see if they deserve them.

Litter Trays

There are two trays of wood-chip cat litter in the downstairs toilet. I was hoping with the arrival of the cat flap, that the cats would no longer use the litter and go outside. Wishful thinking. I guess I was expecting a bit too much of those pesky kitties to learn to use a chip-activated cat flap and to do their business outside in such a short space of time. I think they do sometimes wee and poo outside, but without CCTV surveillance footage, I can’t prove it.

When you come in once a day, if you’d be so kind as to chuck any poos down the loo with the pooper-scooper and flush away. The wood-chips need to be changed regularly (if you don’t mind). Just chuck the used woodchips in the green recycle bin outside and replace from the massive bag of woodchips in the downstairs loo.

Sleeping

Slim likes to sleep in a designated place for about two weeks, then she moves on (for security purposes). Currently Erin’s bedroom is flavour of the month. Kirby likes to sleep in the basket outside my bedroom (to be close to me, one would assume. Which is understandable). I am going to close my bedroom door so neither cat can get in. The carpet is very new and ridiculously pale, and I would rather not arrive home to poo or cat sick on the palest carpet known to man. I don’t know why we got that colour, really, it wasn’t sensible – having two predominantly black cats.

Anyway, I hope all that information is helpful. If you need any advice or assistance, feel free to call my mother-in-law. She is popping in on the days you can’t do, and will be pleased to help. Gareth and I might not have any mobile reception – being on the Isle of Mull. We may be cut off from civilization entirely. I don’t think they live in mud huts or anything, but I understand there isn’t a full-time doctor or nurse on the island, so we’d better not get sick. Therefore, we might not be that easy to contact.

So, thanks again, Georgie. You don’t know how much your help means to us. I love those kitties dearly, but they are also the bane of my life, and going on holiday comes with great stress because of them. But a bit of separation is good for everyone. Perhaps they’ll appreciate me a little better when I get home. Well, Slim won’t. She doesn’t give a rat’s if I live or die. If I was an automated feeder which would operate forever, she’d be happy.

Thanks Georgie, and Happy Easter! Xxx

Adele, G, Erin and Ibby

NB: and I hope you lot have had a Happy Easter too! Just think, after reading this, any of you will now be fully equipt to feed my cats – so expect a call this summer. Lucky you! Right, I’m on my way home as we speak to see the level of damage the cats have caused… 🐣😻