46 Things I Have Learned in 46 Years

What in the name of all this is holy possessed me to write this blog? This is akin to putting 46 candles on a birthday cake – i.e., you shouldn’t! Oh well, it’s my 46^th birthday today (‘How young you look, Adele’, ‘Oh gosh, thanks’), and I thought it my duty to have a stab at this ‘listing things you’ve learned according to your age in years’ that I’ve seen other bloggers do. The trouble is, most of those bloggers were young. A list of 46 things is difficult to achieve at the best of times – let alone things that I’ve learned. Because I’m not entirely sure that I’ve learned much of anything. Anyway, here goes; 46 things the world has taught me, I’ve learned about myself, or I learned to do/not to do during the course of my life…

1. As much as you like your own company, it’s really not good for you for any length of time. You are a people person (who needs space).
2. Skinny jeans are a curse on humanity (especially short, dumpy people like you), stop trying them on in shops.
3. Cherish the people you love, they definitely won’t always be there.
4. Everybody hates a Grammar Nazi. Even you. And you’re a Grammar Nazi.
5. Facebook is quite insistent that you know, ‘Amanda and Kezzia are interested in going to an event near you‘. At least now you’re aware of this.
6. Writing books is important because you need to do it for your own sanity, not because you need people to like them.
7. You will never own a new car – so get used to second-hand ones. And befriend your mechanic. Even if he is miserable.
8. Sometimes the worst does happen, but you will find a way to deal with it.
9. You don’t have to watch ‘Dirty Dancing’ if you don’t want to. Anyway, it isn’t on Netflix.
10. Your children are amazing human beings, it’s time you acknowledge you did at least one thing (two things) very right.
11. They lied, there is no money in blogging.
12. Being a nurse didn’t always make you happy, but… (no, I have nothing else to add to this).
13. You have managed sufficiently well in life without knowing about cloud formations and Roman numerals, it’s too late to take it on board now.
14. Marrying your husband was a wonderful decision; neither of you are perfect, but you’re meant for one another.
15. Duolingo is just flattering your ego, you are not 52% fluent in German. You can barely string a sentence together.
16. Stop obsessing over past mistakes. As Taylor Swift would say, ‘shake it off‘.
17. Don’t go to Bath between 23^rd November and 10^th December (Christmas Markets).
18. Not everyone you meet is going to like you (you’re an acquired taste), which is fair enough, but those that do are totally ace.
19. Peanut butter is a substance made by the Devil. Know your own mind; just because you quite like Reese’s Pieces, doesn’t mean you like peanut butter. Don’t ever let anyone tempt you to give it another try.
20. The years of your life that you were not a cat-owner were wasted years. The way they run out to greet you on the street when you get home from work is adorable.
21. Although there is clearly no money in blogging, ultimately it did you good.
22. One day, you are going to have to get over the fact that you can’t eat pies anymore.
23. Appreciate your eyesight, it is failing fast.
24. At some point in your life, you are going to have to learn how to spell definate…I mean, definite, without relying on spellcheck to correct you.
25. Your husband and your children will never understand that their shoes go on the shoe rack and their coats go on the coat rack. You will have to do this for them – for the rest of your life.
26. Step out of your comfort zone and face your fears. You will regret passing up opportunities due to ‘fear of failure’.
27. Fat doesn’t make you fat. Sugar makes you fat.
28. It’s okay to say ‘no‘; sometimes people respect you for it. At least you can respect yourself.
29. Facebook doesn’t really care about you. There is no need to constantly tell it what you are doing.
30. Always bring a cardigan. They’re very light and you can stuff it in your bag if you get too hot, but always bring a cardigan (PS: you never get too hot).
31. You were never anybody’s favourite child, but that’s okay, you were always your own favourite.
32. Laugh at your own jokes. Somebody has to.
33. Stop fantasising about having brown shiny hair. Your hair was never shiny when you were a brunette. And you’re too grey to be dark now.
34. Swearing within the context of writing is fine, but use sparingly. Bugger that, fire at will. It’s a major part of your vocabulary.
35. Never book a holiday that flies from Stanstead. It’s silly-far-away.
36. Take courage; there are only 10 more to go, and this nightmare will be over for all of us!
37. Your 20s were great. Your 30s where the wilderness years. But by your 40s, things were looking up again.
38. You were quite good at three things; writing, singing and acting – not sh*t-hot or anything – but quite good. And that’s something.
39. People won’t always bring a bag, and that means sometimes you will have to carry their stuff. Accept it gracefully (and don’t wind yourself up about how everybody treats you like a ‘bloody packhorse!‘), and remember the kind things they have done for you. It won’t kill you to carry their sh*t for a while.
40. From an early age, encourage your children to ‘always bring a bag‘ wherever they go.
41. You can only edit for so long, you must accept there will always be a few mistakes.
42. Taking up regular exercise at the age of 39 was one of your better ideas. Shame you didn’t start earlier.
43. Appreciate your days off on Wednesdays, one day they will be a thing of the past.
44. Not everyone understands that the box junction in town is wide enough for two cars to pass. You don’t always have to shout about it (Still, unless you’re a sodding massive van or something, please don’t stop! And if somebody must stop, the driver going uphill has the right of way!).
45. You will NEVER make your fortune (or living) from writing novels. But it was a worthy achievement that you ought to be proud of.
46. Never agree to write a blog post listing the number of things you have learned according to your age in years. You began to struggle halfway through, and the last few in the list descend into silliness.

Well, thank God that is all over. I was beginning to lose the will to live towards the end, I expect you were too. But I hope a few of these were relevant to you. I’ll be looking out for other people’s ‘XX things I have learned in XX years’ posts. But for your sake, I hope you’re not too old – and if you’re in triple figures, learn from my mistake – and just forget it.

PS: I am 46, right? I can never remember how old I am. I was born in 1971, if that helps.